Well, it’s almost Mother’s Day again. That means it’s time to honor the 85 million mothers in America. There are millions of others who play the role of mothers, e.g. grandmothers, aunts, stepmothers, adoptive mothers, older sisters, and godmothers. As nice as the idea of the day is, it can be a time filled with anxiety and frustration for mothers and families alike. It is coincidental but noteworthy that May is the month we celebrate Mother’s Day as well as it also being Mental Health Awareness Month. Over 20 percent of Americans will be affected by a mental health issue at some point in their life. Mothers in particular often are stressed out. In data reported by the American Psychological Association, women are more likely to report physical and emotional symptoms of stress than men, feel as though they could cry, or having had an upset stomach in the past month. They also report themselves more likely than men to eat as a way of managing stress. On top of all this daily stress, on Mother’s Day we often have women do most of the work and run around catering to and serving others. All too often, the men do not step up to take enough part in the day, particularly for their wives to whom I have heard them say, “She’s not my mother”. If the relationship is strained with mother, that can make difficult planning a pleasant event or day. Also, many mothers find the day one to grieve the death and absence of their own mothers or other special women in their life, such as aunts, grandmothers, sisters, or friends. That can be particularly difficult on the first Mother’s Day after the death of the loved one.
So with all these challenges, is there any hope? Yes, indeed. So if you’re still planning how to help that special mother figure in your life celebrate the day, consider some of the following seven tips:
Plan early and make thoughtful plans. Ask mother how she wants to spend the day. Get her ideas but still plan out the specifics so she can be surprised. Build in any time for other special ladies such as aunts and grandmothers. If the relationship is strained, choose an activity you both will enjoy and build in a time limit or include other people.
Don’t have mother do all the work. Be an active participant. If mother likes to go out, make a reservation. Do some research and pick a place on your own. Some years ago, my sons and I surprised my wife with a jazz Sunday brunch as we thought she’d like both (and she did!). If she prefers to eat a meal at home, then order in. If you cook, then clean up too.
Don’t avoid but remember. This one comes from Dr. Christiane Northrup. If your mother is no longer living, consider putting up a picture of her or light a candle and spend some time recalling pleasant times with her. Tell stories about your loved one, visit her grave, or give a hug to the person who has lost their mother.
Focus on the positives. This is the day to honor mother for all of her finest qualities. Nobody is perfect and some mother/child relationships are not close. However, it is the day to say “thank you”. This is not the time for resentful thoughts and anger which only increase the stress level. If you have these feelings or thoughts, seek out others whose company you would enjoy.
Don’t forget Mother’s Day. You may say, who would do that? It occurs more than you think and I have treated several women whose depression was not helped by their offspring failing to even acknowledge their mother on the special day. If you have resentment and anger toward your mother, please refer back to tip # 4.
Honor your mother and yourself more often. Again, thanks to Dr. Northrup. Consider thanking your mother more often during the year and doing things small but thoughtful, such as calls, visits, etc. That makes Mother’s Day loom less large and menacing.
Ensure that Mother’s Day is more relaxing than stressful. Mothers often want the gift of time. So help them get the time they want to do anything, including shopping, napping, watching a movie, having wine or a spa day or whatever they want. If they are not driving or are not as mobile as earlier, assist them in getting to their social events to include their place of worship. The motto of the day is “Whatever she wants”. It is the time to be attuned to her needs, wishes, concerns and to facilitate special time for her.
As I mentioned at the outset, women and mothers operate under much stress. Consider incorporating many of the above tips on Mother’s Day but also at other times of the year. If you want to learn more about stress management, please see our book (I Can’t Take It Anymore: How to Manage Stress so It Doesn’t Manage You; Paul G. Longobardi, Ph.D., and Janice B. Longobardi, R.N., B.S.N., P.H.N.), available on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542458056. If you would like to learn more about the book, authors, and stress, please visit our website at www.manageyourhealthandstress.com.
To all the mothers and special women in our lives, we wish you a very Happy Mother’s Day.
Paul Longobardi, Ph.D., and Janice B. Longobardi, R.N., B.S.N., P.H.N.
For information on these and related topics, please visit my website at www.successandmindset.com