Many times the question is asked: "How it is that some people handle similar stressful life challenges with less distress than others?". The answer lies within the core of cognitive therapy and actually goes back as far as Epictetus and the Roman stoics in the first century AD. Specifically, how you view challenging events in terms of your thoughts and attributions leads to your degree of emotional distress more than the challenging event itself.
In considering resilience in recovering from losses, I am reminded of the "Three Ps" identified by psychologist Dr. Martin Seligman. The "Three Ps" are: Personalization, Pervasiveness, and Permanence. Let's look at each in turn:
1. Personalization. This is the belief that a challenging event happened because of something you did not do. What is critical to recognize is that not everything bad happens because of some lapse on our part. My clients often blame themselves for not somehow having recognized a sign or symptom that might have prevented a bad outcome for them or someone in their life. In fact, I have worked with numerous patients and clients who personalize most distressing events. These events range from more minor ones such as inconveniences of everyday life to major ones such as the death of loved ones. I have been working with a client who believes that there must be something she could have done to prevent the death of her ex-husband of fifteen years in a car accident in a different city where she was not present. Frequently, the people who personalize often have overly strongly held beliefs around taking responsibility and being in control in most areas of their life. While taking responsibility and trying to arrange events are generally good qualities, beating yourself up about not having total personal control does not help your situation. Yet, I have seen many persons who blame themselves incessantly. One of my favorite books is by don Miguel Ruiz titled "The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom". The second of the four agreements is: Don't take anything personally. Once you can begin to ask yourself, "How could I really personally have prevented this upsetting event?", you begin to rid yourself of the Personalization problem.
2. Pervasiveness. This is the belief that because something bad happened in one area of your life, it will occur in and affect all areas of your life. If you make a bad financial decision, does that mean that you will make bad decisions in all areas of your life such as in your work, as a parent, etc.? The answer is no unless you believe so and then you will act accordingly to your detriment. You will feel more defeated and overwhelmned, often sinking into depression. My own client has come to realize that she is good at her profession and is a good friend to others. This is why counselors often recommend that individuals who have lost a loved one attempt to return to some normality of routine in their lives as soon as possible, though that varies by individuals. When you can contain your distress to the particular event (loss, frustration, challenge), you will limit its hold on other areas of your life.
3. Permanence. This is the belief that your upset will last forever. As my grieving patient had said, "I don't know if I'll ever feel good again". However, with encouragement, she was able to recognize that her feelings would not last forever. Sometimes, when I work with individuals dealing with upset, I encourage them to imagine themselves perhaps six months or one year out into the future and what they will be doing and how their life will be. If nothing else, this technique assists them in beginning to question the permanence of their current distressful emotions.
The "Three Ps" are similar to the acronym "SUE" I have used in other posts to remember helpful strategies to facilitate your dealing with upsetting events both small and large in life and business. SUE stands for Specific (opposite of Pervasiveness), Unstable (opposite of Permanence), and External (opposite of Personalization). Please read my post on "SUE Your Way to Success" for even more information in this area. We discuss all this in great detail in our book (I Can't Take It Anymore: How to Manage Stress so It Doesn't Manage You; Paul G. Longobardi, Ph.D., and Janice B. Longobardi, R.N., B.S.N., P.H.N.) which is available on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542458056. You can read more about the authors and related stress material at our website www.manageyourhealthandstress.com.
You can use the "Three Ps" or SUE strategies to help yourself deal with the emotional reactions of many of life's challenges, whether in your personal lives or in business. The key is recognizing that you are clinging to less helpful beliefs. You'll know by how you feel. The more distressed you feel, the more likely that a contributor remains your extreme beliefs in your personal responsibility, the pervasiveness of the challenging event on your total life, and the likely permanence of your condition as you see it.
The optimistic view is that you are more resilient in dealing with life's challenges than you might think. You learned to think the way you do and see the world as you do. You can change those beliefs so that you can enjoy your life more as well as handle future challenges large and small with less upset. Good luck on your journey.
Dr. Paul Longobardi
For information on these and related topics, please see my website at www.successandmindset.com