Have you ever wondered why some people are more successful and happy than others? Have you ever met or known friends or other people who were very smart but did not succeed as well as the friend or person with a clearly lower IQ (intelligence quotient)? I certainly have known numerous persons much smarter than I who were far less successful than I would have thought. Well, you say, maybe they had fewer good breaks than others. While there may be some truth to that, the reality is that much personal and business success and happiness has to do with how we manage our emotions and relate emotionally to others.
I used to be fond of saying to consultees and supervisees that most people don't get fired from their jobs because of their technical incompetence but rather because they can't get along interpersonally with other people in the organization. This point was reinforced in an interview I saw with Dr. Daniel Goleman. If you don't know who he is, he is a psychologist generally credited with popularizing the term Emotional Intelligence in his 1995 book titled "Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ". During the interview he noted that he was giving a speech to a room full of hundreds of CEOs of major companies. He asked how many had been valedictorians or salutatorians and only three CEOs stood up. His point was that what we think of as general intelligence may not convey as much potential for success as how we identify and manage our emotions as well as respond to others. Basically, that is the definition of Emotional Intelligence (EI).
The concept of EI comes out of the idea of "multiple intelligences" which was originated in the 1980s by Dr. Howard Gardner, who asserted that cognitive intelligence did not explain all of our functioning. While there are academic differences about the extent to which EI indeed is a specific form of intelligence, the idea has helped make us aware of the importance of emotions in positive self and other relationships. There is available research showing that EI affects your work performance, physical health, mental health, and relationships. At work, some companies are using assessment of EI in the employee selection process and have found that individuals in sales positions with high EI have higher productivity than those low in EI. I have written often about stress management. Improving EI involves learning how to relieve stress before you suffer serious health problems including hypertension, immune disorders, heart attack, stroke, and acceleration of the aging process. Uncontrolled stress can also impact your mental health, making you vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you are unable to understand and manage your emotions, you’ll also be open to mood swings, while an inability to form strong relationships can leave you feeling lonely and isolated. Finally, in terms of relationships, when you understand your emotions and learn how to control them, you can express how you feel more clearly and understand how others feel. Your communications overall will improve. We discuss all these areas in our book on stress management (I Can’t Take It Anymore: How to Manage Stress so It Doesn’t Manage You; Paul G. Longobardi, Ph.D., and Janice B. Longobardi, R.N., B.S.N., P.H.N.), available on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542458056. For additional information about the authors, book, and other stress related topics, visit our website at www.manageyourhealthandstress.com.
For our present purposes, there are five main elements of emotional intelligence:
1. Self-awareness. If you're self-aware, you always know how you feel, and you know how your emotions and your actions can affect the people around you.
2. Self-regulation. This refers to your ability to inhibit emotional impulses and responses and decisions. It is about staying in control. However, in this area, keeping calm is critical to self regulation. Proper breathing and mindfulness are useful and activate areas of your anterior frontal cortex where decision making is centralized. See other posts on progressive muscle relaxation for more in this area.
3. Motivation. You work consistently toward your goals and get into the "flow", as Dr. Goleman refers to it. You become absorbed in your actions.
4. Empathy. When you have empathy, or compassion, you are able to put yourselves in someone else's situation. You can listen when someone needs you to do so. .
5. Social skills. You are able to listen to others whether they are calm or upset, help others consider options and feel heard while giving support. I realize these are tall orders for some but we all can do better in this area.
There really are three key ideas as outlined by Dr. Goleman in his interview. One is to tune into your emotions. Simply becoming more aware of what you feel is a great first step. Second is to manage the negative emotions. Once you identify a negative emotion, you can begin to examine from where this comes and what kind of thoughts (cognitions/beliefs) are driving the negative feelings/emotions? All too often these are overgeneralized, catastrophic, and invalid thoughts. However, you need to identify the emotion first. Third is to strengthen the positive emotions. Follow a similar strategy. From where is the positive emotion coming, focus on it and the accompanying thought. Your job is to increase the amount of time you spend on positive emotions. As you are more able to do this, you will recognize the process and be able to listen, understand, and help yourself and others.
For now, tune in to emotions, manage the negative ones, strengthen the positive ones. Good luck on your journey.
Dr. Paul Longobardi
For more information on these and related matters, please visit my website at www.successandmindset.com