In my last post I discussed the concept of Emotional Intelligence (EI). EI refers to our ability to identify and manage our emotions as well as respond to others. For individuals like Dr. Daniel Goleman, a psychologist who popularized the concept in his 1995 book "Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ", what we think of as general intelligence may not convey as much potential for success as our EI. I described the five main elements as noted by Dr. Goleman. In this post, I want to discuss some ideas as to how you can improve your own EI.
Let me go through the five elements in turn:
1. Self-awareness. If you're self-aware, you always know how you feel, and you know how your emotions and your actions can affect the people around you. So, what are some things you can do to improve your self-awareness?
Keep a journal – Journals help you improve your self-awareness. If you take just several minutes per day to write down what you thinking or feeling, you can become more self aware. In working with numerous clients in cognitive behavioral therapy, I find that many are out of touch both with what they think and feel. I often start by asking them to write down only what they feel, and then proceed to identifying their thoughts.
Slow down – When you experience anger or other strong emotions, slow down to examine why. No matter what the situation, you can choose how you react to it. However, to do so, you have to identify what you are thinking. Anger usually is the lead emotion behind which are the driving emotions like frustration, disappointment, rejection, hurt, etc., among others.
2. Self-regulation. People who regulate themselves effectively rarely verbally attack others, make hurried or emotional decisions, stereotype people, or compromise their values. Self-regulation is all about staying in control. So how can you improve your self-regulation?
Know your values – Do you know what values are most important to you? This refers to areas such as work, family, spirituality, leisure, etc. When you do not follow your own ordering of values, you do not live in harmony. To prioritize family time over work but spend all your time at work and neglect your family leads to internal conflict (probably family too!). Spend some time examining your values. If you know what's most important to you, then you probably won't have to think twice when you face a moral or ethical decision – you'll make the right choice.
Hold yourself accountable – If you tend to blame others when something goes wrong, stop. Make a commitment to admit to take responsibility for your thoughts and actions.
Practice being calm – The next time you're in a challenging situation, be very aware of how you act. Do you relieve your stress by shouting at someone else? As I mentioned in the last post, practice breathing or using yoga, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation. Also, try to write down all of the negative things you want to say, and then rip it up and throw it away. This prevents expressing them to others and allows you to identify what thinking is behind these negative emotions.
3. Motivation. Self-motivated people work consistently toward their goals, and they have extremely high standards for the quality of their life and work. How can you improve your motivation?
Know where you stand – Determine how motivated you are to do your major tasks. There had to be a reason you wanted to do something in the first place, e.g. read the book, learn the new skill.
Be hopeful and find something good – Motivated people are usually optimistic no matter what problems they face. Every time you face a challenge, or even a failure, try to find at least one good thing about the situation. In working with many clients and consultees, I usually ask them to identify something good in every situation even if overall it did not work out well. In listening to Reverend Joel Osteen, he was asked if he ever gets up not feeling good or motivated. He acknowledged yes and indicated that he finds something about which to be grateful and/or does something for someone else. Try it.
4. Empathy. Having empathy is critical to managing your relationships with others whether at work or at home. People with empathy have the ability to put themselves in someone else's situation. They help develop others, give constructive feedback, and listen to those who need it. How can you improve your empathy?
Put yourself in someone else's position – Take the time to look at situations from other people's perspectives.
Pay attention to body language – Perhaps when you listen to someone, you cross your arms, move your feet back and forth, or bite your lip. Learning to read body language can be a real asset, because you'll be better able to determine how someone truly feels.
Respond to feelings – Listen for the feeling states in others' voices. They may say yes to your request but convey disappointment in their voices. Respond by addressing their feelings. Tell them you appreciate their fulfilling your request and understand their frustration. See if there is some accommodation to be made.
5. Social skills. People who do well in the social skills element of EI are effective communicators. They're good at managing change and resolving conflicts diplomatically. So, how can you build social skills? While this is whole topic on its own, here are several tips:
Learn conflict resolution – It is important to know how to resolve conflicts between friends, family, or work members. Learning conflict resolution skills is vital if you want to succeed.
Improve your communication skills – How well do you communicate? Do you really hear what others are saying? Often paraphrasing back what you think you've heard will identify any unclarity and lead to further refinements in communication. When listening to someone upset, I often reply with "What I hear you saying is . . . ". It can be humbling to find out that I didn't really hear what was said but at least communication goes on.
Learn how to praise others – You can inspire the loyalty of others at home and work simply by giving praise. Learning how to praise others is a fine art, but well worth the effort. I've worked in and around too many systems where the only feedback you hear is negative, i.e. what you did not do or did wrong. Consider noticing behaviors worthwhile for some praise.
You may be saying that this EI business is a big job. Don't be overwhelmned. Just taking one or two recommendations and looking to implement them for several weeks will begin to solidify them for you. You'll be amazed how you feel and how positively others relate to you. As always, change your thoughts, change your results. Good luck on your journey.
Dr. Paul Longobardi
For information on these and related topics, please see my website at www.successandmindset.com