Recently I read an article in the LA Times Sports section for February 12, 2016 by Eric Sondheimer titled "As playoffs approach, bad behavior must stop". The article dealt with high school level sports. His central premise was that parents should start holding their sons and daughters accountable for bad behavior which includes everything from disrespecting coaches and taunting to physical altercations with other players and fans. He noted the lessened respect for coaches who in the past just had to stare at players to lead to a halt in bad behavior (I remember how true this was when my 6'6" high school basketball coach Harry glared at me). The author quoted Dr. Andrew Yellen, a sports psychologist and former high school football coach, who recommended parents demand accountability. According to Dr. Yellen, parents often respond, "But they won't like me", to which Dr. Yellen said "It's insane, what you do is, there's a reward, and if you don't there's a consequence". The bottom line was that the author recommended coaches to bring back their drill sergeant voices and stares since "not everybody has the self-control or self-confidence to walk away and use that memory as motivation at an appropriate time".
Now I have no argument with what I read in the article as far as it goes. Accountability and standard setting certainly are helpful. But did the article go far enough? I don't think so. In that telling last sentence, the issues of self-control and self-confidence were invoked. We hear daily of a litany of poorly controlled behaviors whether in sports or everyday life. Professional athletes are criticized, sanctioned, and prosecuted for many behaviors including hurting others on and off the field. Road rage is all but a new psychiatric diagnosis, bullying in schools and on the internet is rampant, and numerous reality shows highlight the overreaction of the participants when confronted with emotional stresses. Is it not likely that the common themes for these behavioral overreactions are the thoughts people have about themselves and others?
What actually is the foundation on which is built your own degree of self-control and self-confidence? Based on modern cognitive therapy, I would contend it is the series of thoughts and beliefs we have over our lives about our experiences which coalesce into the core beliefs which guide our reactions to specific situations. So, for example, when basketball Coach Harry told me I was not playing good defense and took me out of the game to sit on the bench, I had several ways to react based on my thoughts, i.e. what I say to myself. One reaction was to tell myself that the coach's feedback may or may not be true, he is in charge, I often play better, and I'll get back in at some point. The result: unlikely that I will become highly upset. However, in reaction two, I tell myself that the coach has insulted me, denigrated my self worth, and that I can't stand it (which is unlikely the coach was saying anyway). Then, the probable result is high upset and distress. If such beliefs as in reaction two have been reinforced and/or encouraged in me by parents or others, my distressed reaction and likely "bad behavior" is increased even more (P.S. I chose reaction one and got back into the game a little later with more defensive success).
So what is the moral of this story? It is that people's emotional reactions and behaviors can be predicted by listening to how they explain setbacks to themselves, whether they are young or old. This finding has been observed in research studies on predicting salesperson behavior, which frequently involves setbacks and rejection. But what about young people?
There always is more than one possible conclusion to make about something unpleasant which has happened. However, all too often you may not examine the possibilities and tell yourself a thought far less catastrophic. Instead, it is not uncommon for us to regularly conclude that because a setback has occurred must mean that you are not good, not capable, are being insulted, or can't stand it (which you can even if you don't like it). Such thoughts lead to the conclusion that you must retaliate verbally or physically. Maybe we should be teaching our youth how to overcome limiting/negative/catastrophic thoughts which lead to overreaction and produce problems for them in life in all areas such as work, sports, family, and interpersonal relationships. Do we not owe this to them? Don't we try to teach them everything else? How about some ways of thinking to handle setbacks/disappointments/frustrations without rage, physical assaults, or verbal attacks? As the author of the LA Times article indicated, "it might be better to hire a sports psychologist to figure out what's going on instead of hiring more school police?"
I think it's time we teach our youth, if not ourselves as well, how to overcome limiting thoughts leading to overreactions. As always, change your thoughts and change your results.
Dr. Paul Longobardi
For more information on these and related topics, please see my website at www.successandmindset.com